But I thought we were the same?

The very first time I was at a ballpark I was two weeks old. While most girls were being all dolled up and shown off, I was running around the ball field. It could’ve been baseball, softball, or football, but if my dad or brothers were there, so was I. I absolutely adored the “men” in my life, and, of course, being the little sister I was, I wanted to be just like them. Whether we were playing ball or just hanging out around the house I wanted to do what they did. Looking back, I did not understand that I was experiencing gender, but now, I realize that I was discriminated against many times. In my life I did not have one specific occasion that made me realize gender, but many situations helped to form my opinion of gender and the impact it plays in my life.
One of the first times I can remember facing gender roles was when I was about seven or eight. My brother and dad would always walk around my house without a shirt on. I was at the age where I did not understand why I couldn’t walk around without a shirt on too. Every time that I would try this, my brother, Caleb, who is two years older than me, would always make fun of me or make a big deal about the fact. My mom would proceed to make me put a shirt on, which would lead to my getting angry and pouting.
I became a cheerleader when I was in the seventh grade. I would not be the first one to admit that our seventh grade football team was awful. As a cheerleader, you are expected to be optimistic and try to boost the morale of the team you are cheering for, but if the team that is playing is that dreadful, it can be an extremely hard task to achieve. One day after gym class I had an astonishing idea – why couldn’t I play football? It was known that I was just as fast, if not faster, than almost every boy in my grade. I thought that I surely could make a positive contribution to the team; after all, it couldn’t possibly hurt the team at that point. After consulting my parents, I was instructed to call and ask my older brother, Trent, who is a head football coach, his opinion. I had planned it out perfectly, asking him if there was a girl that would be beneficial to his team if he would let her play, and he said yes. Then, to my misfortune, he explained but not his sister.
The most shocking experience I have had with gender occurred the summer following my junior year of high school. It was definitely one of the “in the wrong place, at the wrong time” situations. School was finally over, and it was the first weekend of summer. A group of friends and I decided to go camping to kick off the fun. The evening was going fine, that was up until around one o’clock in the morning. Around that time, my night took a turn for the worst. I had an encounter with a “friend”, who is now an acquaintance, which would change my life forever. I was raped. To make matters worse, around a month later the inevitable happened – my “monthly time” didn’t come around. Shock was the first emotion that I went through, then anger, and finally acceptance. I had no idea why this had happened to me. My plan was to keep the baby, but I had an unfortunate miscarriage towards the end of September.
From experiencing these few trials, I have learned many things. Even with equal rights in mind, I feel that it is still inacceptable for a woman to walk around without a shirt. Although, I was young, and I do believe my brother made a far bigger deal than necessary. I understand now that my brother and coaches were only looking out for my best interest in not letting me play football. It is a great possibility that I would have been many opponents first target, and I could have gotten seriously hurt. With that in mind, I still think that they should have given me a chance. After all, the boys won maybe two games that season. Looking back at my camping experience, I feel that I am somewhat to blame. In the future, I plan on making wiser choices on who I hang out with, and I will look out for myself better.
All three stories have affected me, but I feel that one stands out from the rest. On our camping trip I know that if I hadn’t been a girl, then this would not have happened. This experience has affected me in more ways than I ever imagined. I thought I had some slight trust issues before, but now they exceed anything I can think of. For about six to nine months after the fact, I kept the motto, “like everyone, and trust no one,” constantly playing in my head. There is not a day that goes by that I do not think about the baby I should have had. I will carry the emotional trauma of this situation for the rest of my life.
Now, with my familiarity with gender, I have become aware of the many gender roles I must play. As a young woman, I must dress respectable. It might be expected for me to be the “dolled up” girl all the time, but that is not the role I wish to play. Sometimes I do not mind wearing sweats, with little to no makeup on. It does not make me any less of a woman by doing so. I have also come to realize that it is my own role to take care of myself because in the end I could be stuck handling a significant situation all by myself, with the man that caused it being nowhere in sight.
Bernice Johnson Reagon once said “Life’s challenges are not supposed to paralyze you, they’re supposed to help you discover who you are.” This quote is a good explanation of what I have learned from my many different gender experiences. They have come as challenges, but in no way stopped me from living my life.